Love dispels all fear

2005-12-30T22:30:00.000+08:00

hello there, just returned from speedlight camp, very fun and refreshing! learnt so many things that i struggled to grapple with all of them. expected a pretty rugged camp, but turned out it was more congregational...like those more civilised one.

i learnt more at the Holy Spirit, bcos b4 that i didn't really understand how powerful, great, important, and wad It was very well. very good that i absorbed so much, just feels so fufilling. anyway, i also learnt silence and solitude b4 God. not that i don't know it, but just to fill in gaps that i do not know. 'cos i got hurt several times, so i guess i'm slightly more familiar with this.

the worship services were splendid, beyond my expectation! not bcos the singing or songs were very nice and beautiful. as i have never encountered God in such a personal and strong and truthful manner b4, the Holy Spirit never felt so real and undeniable b4. i could feel God beside me, touching me, laying His hands on my very shoulders as i was kneeling and bowing. i actually heard His voice, and spoke with Him! i think i learnt the most just by worshipping Him in spirit and in truth.

there is really too much to tell u here, in this mere blog entry, but i learnt and experienced so so much. anyway, lets go on to other things. my group was very funny and crazy. our dear leader tan mei ling was more sarcastic then i thought at first haha. but she does have a kind side, can tell she struggles with certain things. next, our macho manhunt contestant cum ass. groupleader Ben Ong! he's in the army, looks extremely beefy, like 2 metres tall with arms as thick as my thighs...and mine are like twigs. but he's really not so manly inside, like he's abit sissy sometimes haha. and he's very lame sometimes too. for the other members, sorry but can't introduce them one by one, but we're all, like i said, a crazy bunch of ppl.

in the camp, got alot of activities like nightwalk and stuff. had lots of interesting results, like someppl got fed up during nightwalk. we were blindfolded for 5 hours and had to go thru mud and soil in the drizzle, with someone leading us slowly. plus some ppl kept on pouring flour, applying paint, spraying deodourant on us and took pics of us in our pitiful-looking state. worst thing is they purposely taunted us and tried to discourage us. fortunately no one gave up and just took off the blindfolds. but some got angry and scolded certain words that shouldn't be mentioned. so just disobeyed. but nvm, the purpose was to show us our true colours and to help us reflect on our christian walk. if u really think abt it, it really resembles the path we take in our lives as christians.

well that's it for now, come back for more next time. and sorry jon, i know u waited really long.

2005-12-24T18:03:00.000+08:00

yay, feel so happy today, 'cos finally know wad my problem is. not going to say it, unless u really want to know. a small problem actually, but very serious and complex consequences.

anyway, feeling very happy that school's starting, for some reasons. first time leh! perhaps last time all i did was to play the PC, and i had little to look foward to. now i got a super fun class, maybe that's why. and now, i realise that it can't be hols all the time. after all, we can have lots of fun in school term too. just rmb to work hard when it's time to. work hard play hard...wad a wise advice. a time for everything. sounds fantastic, but very difficult to actually follow it. well, i'm determined to make next year one of the best years, 'cos playing so much and not working at all doesn't seem fun in the end. yes, that's rite. but first, gotta do something first...bye!
KENJITSU

2005-12-23T22:47:00.000+08:00

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving. just went to PP, my dad just bought my mother a pair of very expensive earrings, and i just shopped for gifts for my friends. everywhere is so crowded with ppl doing last minute shopping. but somehow, there is this emptiness inside. despite the bright lights and happy atmosphere, it still isn't enough. i just want some quality time with those i want to be with. but i'm with my family all day, who else could i long for?

so i searched my heart, to see who would be the special ppl. then i realised there are so many of them, so many friends and relatives i want to see, but i would never get a chance to visit. how sad it would be not to meet them forever. even if i do see some of them, it's like a brief passing of the wind, the shifting shadows, the temporal life of a wild flower. i want to tell them how much they mean to me, will they know? will ppl stop and just be still amidst the noise and celebrations and sniff the aroma of the real meaning of christmas? how nice it would be to spend an evening alone with u. but then, u're with me all the time. but u seem so blurred and distant. loneliness is worse than pain. however, i know i will never be lonely. ever again.

2005-12-22T13:32:00.000+08:00

pain is the price of fun

izit true? seems like for my bro's case. went biking again today, in the rain...so slippery almost slipped a few times myself. my bro rode on a metal drain, and skidded. he sort of flew off his bike, and landed on his knees and elbow. injuries are considered minimal. his bike's brake broke. and our clothes were all dirty and wet. but it was fun. went at super high speeds today, although we did not do many stunts like the one without hands. so next time if the floor is wet, be very careful.

jon shin just called me abt some possible leads to something. that guy is so thick-skinned. he saw some rgs band ppl, then decided to go ask them abt shuqi (u know why). and they are total strangers on the bus! they replied that they know her, but somehow didn't know or refused to give jon her contact. then they started the default and expected giggles and scandalous looks. then jon got a scolding from his mum, haha! so cute...must admit i felt some excitement when he told me abt it, but well, let that pass away. just for some amusement. wonder how she's doing now...wonder how pris is doing too, sigh, must make a confession now.

i am too weak against such stuff. i'm not despo, but u know, always struggling. wonder how to help myself, but everywhere i go, it's everywhere!! can't just close my eyes to everything rite? sentosa was quite difficult, i think RI either makes things worse or supresses it. nvm, RJ is just a year ahead, oh man, growing so old already...gotta make the best of everything. still JC doesn't solve the problem. sigh, really wonder if pris is angry or disappointed abt it. yeah, i'm a class B jerk, it's a warning...but i sincerely want to thk her for everything, been a great friend. too bad she wouldn't be going for camp. shall go concentrate on my studies then, very impt next year.

If Dreams were Real...

2005-12-21T22:47:00.000+08:00

Today is such a fun day! just went for chalet cum bbq at Sentosa with my class...was really fun just hanging out with them. had a pretty active day, running abt and laughing all the way, too bad our beloved XY and Regina was not there! otherwise the fun would triple. XY said he's going overseas, at the last minute, but i dun think anyone believes him...Regina said she got a talk, last minute also, aiyah, she ar...nvm, anyway shawn tan brought his galfren there. she's taller than him lah, if not for his waxed up hair...wah lao, then the whole time they were like mushy here and there, holding hands. we wanted to dao him, but in the end he was the one to dao us lah, pang seh us to spend quality time with her. what is this?! ok, say wad u want, but i'm not jealous, for my own reasons kay? one of the first places i went to was the beach. wah, crazy place ar, must constantly resist temptation...too many bikini babes already, unlike singapore. kept on losing focus. not very healthy eh...but i did my best, not to stare that is. and the bbq was fun too. as u know, things are always screwed up with us, but it's always fun. i was surprised by how well ben planned the whole thing lah, and how well some guys could cook. food was very good, first bbq that i actually ate till i was full. thoroughly enjoyed myself, think it was to do with my class. i realise i've been blessed with such a fun class (although the most notorious and probably the worst class). so many jokers, and proactive ppl, so we had fun. too bad i couldn't stay overnight, otherwise who knows wad i might see some ppl do? did not take many pics, all are with ben, he's gonna post it soon. but here are what i have...

2005-12-19T19:53:00.000+08:00

oh yeah! today went cycling with my bro, taking pics of ourselves with both hands. just feel so pro, 'cos very few ppl can do that heehee! here are a few...

ho ho ho! not bad eh? and we were riding at a very very slow pace,

not at some super sonic speeds, which would make it easier of

course. so question is, can U do it?

ok, i'm being abit ego here, no hard feelings...

2005-12-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

i dun feel like typing this, i dun feel like typing anything, but i have no choice. i just want to rest. not that i'm doing a lot of work, but i've just been trying to stay alive, trying to ignore this emptiness inside. HELP ME GOD! why can't i find any acceptance and peace? is this how much i must suffer for my good? why do i always lose? i'm useless aren't i? everywhere i go,... WHY?! why? WHY? answer me>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2005-12-17T13:56:00.000+08:00

after a while, i realised that i can never live two lives, which i have tried to. i'd just have to give up one of them. it's a tough choice...but i would rather choose wad's best for me, even if i might have to suffer a bit for some time. i trust, and submit, to find that my joy will be complete. doesn't mean that i can't enjoy, just that it's no longer my centre. wad a great chapter...

2005-12-16T10:34:00.000+08:00

so that night wasn't the end of a chapter i guess. haha, really thought it was. so it has been a very vital lesson, hasn't it? won't u let me come under ur wings? i cannot erase what i think abt u, for the one i've been trying to find is right there. if only i had been true to myself, all this while. it's real this time, i have no regrets. so what happens now? only one way to find out...

2005-12-15T14:01:00.000+08:00

do we always deserve wad we get? nope, but we always deserve wad we get in the end. even if it feels unfair yeah. sounds harsh, yup it is. 'cos our very nature is full of evil inclination. in other words, we brought this upon ourselves.

but thankfully there's always a chance for everything. there's still hope as long as u don't give up and u're still alive in ur heart and of course physically too. do u really want to see wad u don't want to see? the choice i have given u...

don't punish urself, u know wad to do deep down, but u shut it away. ur conscience is ringing in the distance, can't u hear it?! why do u drown urself in ur angst and anguish and drunkedness and any other distraction that draws u away from the very truth u have to face to win wad u want. why keep blaming others? why keep pushing these things away? be still for once, and let the truth set in. refuse and u die! be soft and strong. face it, let the deadly clarity sharpen. may u be silent and listen! for soon u will have no tongue. wad's the point? let nothing get in ur way; kill anything that tries to stop u. spare no effort. let not ur brethen be ur enemy, ur only enemy is at ur gates. rise now, while there is time. seek and strife to a place where u won't hear my harshness. careful not to go the wrong direction, lest u despair for losing so much energy to gain nothing. wad u think might not be wad is right. let the truth speak for itself, don't lie. go, what are u waiting for? u and i are not supposed to be together. i'm not a sentient, u are. i do not live, u will last forever, dead or alive! ur destiny is so high, despite ur foolishness and folly. why do u not take ur place? stop weeping, there is no place nor time for that here, u must go b4 u have time for that. but even if u must, let it be for the purpose of moving on, not to feed ur foolish desires and disgusting, hell-born cravings. i'm sorry, if i can ever feel sorry, that u are born for this. u are not born for coldness, nor for pain, nor for sorrow. don't think it's normal, don't think it's good. u will come across such things, but u are not supposed to stay this way. they may ram u, but u may never budge. that is why u feel something's not right all the time, 'cos u let them step over you. u say u have no vision, u can't see far?! my my..., of course u won't see far, with ur nakedness. let me tell u, beyond that horizon u will find the answer. if u are still so stubborn, then die now, fool! it's more than u ever imagine, more than u can ever imagine with what u are now. still so stubborn, think u can have ur own way?! i tell u, no matter what bold and seemingly powerful influences made in this world, without the real thing, all shall fail. all who rebel for the wrong purposes shall die. all who triumph due to wrong reasons shall fall. it is only a matter of time, u'll see. u think wad u see in movies are true? those which come from truth, yes they boldly walk. but others are plain stupid, walking to their deaths. to them, i'm just a cold wind brushing their skin. they don't listen, 'cos they are about to die. unless, of course, they wisen up. wad's ur problem, still groaning in the silence? WAKE UP!! for i'm fading...

Voice in the Wind

2005-12-14T10:41:00.000+08:00

ahha, so fast recovered liao, not that i think i'm strong or wad, just that the last time it took a week. but in such a short time, i've become weak. dunno how to resume schedule now. sigh...maybe it's just becos i'm lazy....yeah ok, i admit it, i'm lazy haha. but sittin' at home in front of this piece of silicon is seriously xian, so need to get some fresh air sometimes. these few days has been nice, but gotta find a way to spend the time wisely.

been thinking thru alot of things, since i got the time now. realised how much i've taken someone for granted, how much disappointment i've caused. everytime we seem to get further, 'cos there's a force constantly trying to push us apart. but i know where my real place belongs. i should stop this madness now, rite now! but my heart seems to have gone cold. plz help me man! i know such coldness is not born of me, i know if i hold on to the night, ur freedom shall be mine...

2005-12-13T14:15:00.000+08:00

last night's concert was, well, lets start off on a positive note first. It was very standard, standard music, standard procedures, standard price...$10...ok, well not much left to say, haha! I felt that the drama centre was a pretty horrible place to hold a concert performed by pretty professional ppl, but i must say that apart from that, the programme notes were disappointing. not that it was not nice, but there were like so many mistakes! sorry lah, i tend to be a little more professional. and also, the pieces were a bit...short? and there was no real encore!! however, i think the greatest factor that made last night not very nice was that i had food poisoning. i couldn't even enjoy the music! i was literally on the verge of vomitting the whole time, but that crazy thing just wouldn't come out! guess it was caused by the two eggs i ate during lunch...argh, that's the problem with dairy products. anyway, after the concert, i rushed to the toilet to puke; stubborn thing still wouldn't come out. then went back in to meet szeman, but suddenly felt unwell, so rushed out again. this time EVERYTHING i ate came out. i caught a glimpse of two gals walking past. must have seen me...man, not the best state to be in when they're around. but i felt much better after all the poison came out. what a time to have food poisoning. wanted to follow the rest to congratulate the performers, but decided that was not a very bright idea.

in the end, i still think RISE concert was more stunning. really! but don't really want to compare, sorry gals (and HCI guys), know u worked very hard to make the concert a success. Ya definitely deserve a pat on the back, maybe next time, just work a little harder. it was a good performance (i got to check out certain ppl i've been wanting to see), like tianyi, jane, elaine, sarah, and alan. keep hearing abt them, but nvm actually seen them, until then. tianyi and alan both have the professional look, wad can i say? they're the chairpersons duh...was surprised by sarah's playing, her solo was quite impressive, however the piece did not allow her to show off as much as shaggy, wad a pity. one day...one day ok? elaine also sort of made an impact on me, hey no explanation needed, u should know why. don't act dumb. if u saw her, u might say the same thing. as for our dear jane, i think i saw her, but didn't actually see correctly. can rmb roughly though. that sums up my review for the concert, hope to watch another one again. Adiyos

2005-12-10T10:31:00.001+08:00

wah, very heng ah! some virus or trojan horse tried to screw my PC, then that would be the end of it...luckily i removed the file quickly, and my anti-virus thingy detected it, bu ran hou guo bu kan she xiang. they very jian lor, hide the program at the very bottom of the list of programs. wonder if the virus is still hiding somewhere, just that i don't know...nvm, lets just wait and see!

2005-12-09T21:19:00.000+08:00

oh man, i've been using the PC for more than 6 hours, very unhealthy...gotta stop this madness now! but i'm so bored, what else can i do? even other actvities like sports also cannot do the whole day every day rite? if only practice was still on...hmm, now i know the purpose of CCA in the hols. nvm, next upcoming event is the NYSE-HCISO concert, hope it's breath-taking. anyway, even if it's not nice, going to the concert would be nice. will get to meet lots of..., who knows? will get to see remus and his strictly "formal" flower presentation to tianyi, haha! get to enjoy air-con also... hahaha!! this bro of mine ar, doesn't even support his own school. what is this? WHAT IS THIS?!! all he knows how to do is to stick to his maple crap (oops sorry, to all maplesea lovers out there), and boast abt his blog blah blah blah. but it's no fair lah, despite that, he's not myopic, unlike me. and he stones there the WHOLE DAY!! wah lao, WHAT IS THIS?!!

ok, lets leave things as they are for now. training has been very tough as usual. demanding lots of energy from me. i alomost collapsed during one of the sessions! gotta watch out man! since my parents are not in town, no one to take care of me if i seriously screw my body up (i guess that explains why i'm on the PC for so long). training has been rather mentally-challenging too. it's all in the mind. yeah, but for the sake of fitness, i gotta carry on. oh no, got stomach ache now, nature calls.........!!!

2005-12-09T12:49:00.000+08:00

this mornin' i woke up to a brand new start. wonderful weather i must say, best rainy and cloudy weather i've seen for such a long time. the air was so fresh i could almost feel it cleaning my lungs out! the ambience was blissfully cosy, something i've not enjoyed for as far as my toddling days...everything became more peaceful and serene. what a beautiful morning...it can't be only due to the weather, i realised. when ur heart is at peace, nothing outside can agitate u. i think i've found what i'm searching for ; )

2005-12-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

Have u come across post-concert depression syndrome? sounds lame? not until it gets over u. dunno why i feel this way, but seems like i never wanted the concert to end. it's like being in a dreamland, where melodies come to life again and again. while it may be boring to listen, it's really fun to play, seriously!

the concert was really good, too good for my own good; i can't get over it now! i enjoyed it all from the very moment the first note was ever rehearsed, down to the intense rehearsals (although szeman was quite pissed), followed by the nearing of the concert and of course the big day itself. why must i go thru such punishment?! never felt this way b4, so not sure how to handle it properly. i thought it was just that gal, but turned out i actually longed for the concert itself. no one can turn back time. this thing's pulling me down, real hard. i guess i'll have to seek the wisest advice, i'll have to find refuge, and lay beside still waters...and now at last, there is the peace i have always wanted...i'm just tired of it...tired of fighting, tired of disappointment, tired of being so weak, with seemingly no one to lean on. i can almost see the end of the tunnel, how long more would i have to endure? oh please...take me once again, to a place where sorrow is foreign, where the light shines thru everything, where i can rest in peace, where true strength originates. with that promise, i know i'll never let go, it's worth the fight. i can never make it on my own, but what an inexpressable joy it is to know you're always watching over me, no matter how i feel or what i'm doing. everytime i look to the stars, i can't help thinking of u. everytime my heart is broken, i can't help thinking of u. i have no doubt that u are what u are, my shepherd king ......

2005-12-08T13:25:00.000+08:00

once upon a time, i wondered how some ppl can be so blinded by their own emotions and perspectives. i thought...hey a simple child can just point out the solution, why can't they? it was really that simple to me. until i was finally put in the hotseat. for the first time, everything was so different. they were much more complicated than b4...i thought it might as well be the end of me. then the funny thing was, i got out, the same sudden fashion as how i got in! i think i know how i got out, but then looking back, the ppl in the dark might not even be able to grasp it. I assure u, it's not luck. Neither is it by fate or some other thing like that. it's a very controvertial topic, definitely demanding every bit of ur energy and will. Important thing is, those ppl MUST be willing to fight and get out in the first place. i realised that many feel that it's an obligation to stay where they are, to have the same feelings over and over again, whether is it sorrow or anger or resentment. but i can't blame them, 'cos for me, i was afraid of what was to happen after that. i didn't know what was to come if i fought out of the whole thing. uncertainty is something that we can be certain of. however, we can never get what we really hope for deep in our hearts if we never show our will to get it. there is a better place we might not be able to fathom, trust me on this ok? yeah, even if it looks like the end of the world...ok ok, just something to think abt, shall not make my first few entries too depressing. For ppl who only live in a happy utopia, enjoy urselves haha! (while u can) just be prepared. for ppl who roughly know what i'm talking abt, i hope i can share in ur troubles, or share with others, if u think i'm a jerk \', don't keep it to urself, there's always a way out ^_^......

2005-12-08T09:40:00.000+08:00

haha, finally got my blog...not very IT savvy though, had to go thru dunno how much trouble with my freaking bro to get things done! Never even used a blog b4, sigh...but still gotta start somewhere. As credit to my bro, here's his pic. Enjoy!